The Tiger Who Came to Tea Uninvited and Was Shot- and other Instructional Children’s Books

I’m beginning to think that the time has come to write off this current generation of young people as completely un-fixable and focus our energies on preventing the next batch of sprogs from following in their path.

In support of this notion, I’ve written a series of instructional pre-school books designed to answer important questions and set our little ones down a road of decency, morality and proper values.

The Borrowers Lose Their Hands (Islamic Version)

The price for all that ‘borrowing’ is the left hand being cut off. I’ve heard that’s what they do over there. I saw it in Disney’s Aladdin.

The Tiger Who Came to Tea Uninvited and Was Shot.

A tiger enters the home of little Sophie, and her Mum inexplicably welcomes the tiger to tea. This is problematic for several reasons. The tiger proceeds to eat all the sandwiches, buns, biscuits, all the cake, Sophie’s Mum, and Sophie. Police later hunt down and kill the tiger. Children should fully appreciate the dangers of exotic cat visitations that to do not take place in a zoo, or cereal adverts. This point will be emphasised with several splash pages of Sophie’s house covered in giblets and gore.

The ABCs of Respectable Middle Class Values

“C is for conformity which keeps us all the same / D is for the decency that shields us all from shame”

It’s never too early to start beating notions of morality into the heads of young people and reminding them that in addition to standing for Cat, “C” also stands for Capitalism!

This pragmatic early-reader brings home the concepts of decent middle class values using light verse and heavy messaging. A must for any rambunctious child with a stubborn streak and a strong imagination.

“M is for the marriage that must last until you die / N is for normality, a trait for which we strive”

The Very Horny Caterpillar

The story follows a young caterpillar who spends an entire week feeding his depraved carnal appetites. Building from his first sexual curiosity to self-manipulation to the loss of his virginity to random acts of perversity in public places, there is no act of obscenity that the very horny caterpillar will not try and no one he will not attempt to mount. It’s like an adaptation of the film Shame. But instead of Michael Fassbender it’s a horny caterpillar.  

At the conclusion, the very horny caterpillar becomes unwell, cocoons himself and emerges reborn and with a new sense of morality and a permanent cold sore.

Dick and Jane are Morbidly Obese

A new twist on an old classic, our modern day Dick and Jane eschew exercise and spend their days guzzling soda, scarfing down curly fries, sexting each other and giving supertokes to their dog Spot.

Naturally, it isn’t long before their gluttony and sedentary lifestyle leads to unfortunate consequences like a sweatpant-only wardrobe, type 2 diabetes and early onset heart disease.

ONE, TWO, THREE…Learning to Count Suspicious Neighbours!

“Finally, a book I can read with grandma!”

Counting can be fun! Especially when it’s in aid of public security.

This important pre-school classic makes learning to count fun while also helping teach your child how to be vigilant in the search for cannibas grow-ops, potential terror cells, communist operatives and other clear and present neighbourhood dangers.

Parents and children alike can enjoy over 2 dozen workbook exercises including counting and recording out-of-state licence plates, counting the number of questionable visitors next door and noting the times of their arrival and departure.

Topsy is Bullied By Tim and Friends

On account of her stupid, imaginary name.  A parable for every parent and child, teaching the dangers of being given a spectacularly mis-judged name and being subjected to torrents of playground abuse. Topsy develops an acute anxiety disorder, and later books reveal a life of bulimia and squashed potential.

I Can Earn My Keep!

A beautifully illustrated children’s book that disabuses youngsters of their notions of entitlement and promotes personal responsibility by encouraging them to assume progressively more challenging household tasks.

Example chapters include: “I can make my bed!”, “I can wax the floors!” and “I can pull a plow!”

Coming next in my little readers series:

“The Infected Piercing Pop Up Book”

“Decent-Indecent: A Spot the Differences Book”
“Clifford: The Big Red Menace”
“Hooray! I’m Going to Military School”

“Let’s Stay Away From Expensive Electronics”

And much, much more.