Press Admits Disappointment That More People Didn’t Die In London Helicopter Crash

A helicopter crashed into a crane on top of one of Europe's tallest residential blocks on Wednesday, killing only two people. ‘It’s a miracle no one else was hurt, quite disappointingly so’- says one Sky News correspondent.

An investigation is now under way into exactly why the helicopter hit the crane in foggy conditions at St George Wharf, in South Lambeth. So far analysts state it occurred because the helicopter hit the crane in foggy conditions.  ‘Annoyingly, there seems to nothing to link it to terrorism’ remarks one BBC reporter, ‘We had high hopes when we learnt the crash site was less than a mile away from the Houses of Parliament, MI6 and the new U.S Embassy. Frankly, we feel cheated’.

 Wreckage was strewn across roads close to Vauxhall train station, a major transport hub near the south bank of the River Thames, which was packed with rush hour commuters. ‘Potentially thousands could have died; it could have had a real massacre, but it wasn’t’ says Deputy Editor of the Daily Mail, before expressing regret that the helicopter crash wasn’t more like the film Die Hard. ‘That’s why we initially covered the story is as much detail as we did- we love fireballs and stuff exploding’. The Daily Mirror called the event a ‘Fireball Miracle’- not, of course, for the two men (Pete Barnes, the pilot, and pedestrian Matthew Wood) who lost their lives, but the potential victims that could have died.

Five people were taken to hospital for disgustingly minor injuries; four of those five were discharged later that day. Eyewitnesses said people in the area "ran screaming" as flaming debris fell from above, but not before they took several pictures with their phones, and uploaded them with an added Instagram flourish.  ‘I saw the helicopter crash directly onto a car’ says one such photographer- ‘the driver inside didn’t even have the grace to die horribly’.

The pilot, 50-year-old Mr Barnes, from near Reading in Berkshire, had flown for Redhill firm Rotormotion for 15 years and has been described by colleagues as highly skilled. ‘Mr Barnes, it has transpired, was sadly not a fundamental extremist, nor under the influence whilst piloting, or indeed anything remotely salacious’ remarked an exasperated insider.

‘Just think of the degree of heat generated there- imagine if it had been somewhere else- could have been the apocalypse’- was an *actual* quote from Journalist with Neckerchief in ITV’s moral cluster fuck This Morning. Phillip Schofield helpfully pointed that there were buses passing through, buildings nearby, kids going to school- ‘Imagine it; it could have been so much worse’. Then Holly Willoughby cheerfully beckoned on a guest from their next segment ‘I Need a Makeover After Dad Abused Me For 10 Years’, to draw diagrams of the potential  carnage, of almost-burning buses and would-be dead children.

Still reeling from the lack of a smouldering mass of corpses, later reports focused heavily on the crane driver, Nicki Biagioni, 30, who almost got killed had he not overslept and been late to work. Milking every one of his fifteen minutes, Biagioni said on Wednesday his young children did not wake up until an hour later, and that saved his life. This conflicts somewhat with site developer Barclay’s statements that the foggy conditions would have prevented him from working on the crane at all. This rather boring reality check has been rightly ignored by Biagioni, who clearly should be getting the lion’s share of press attention.

Channel 4 has already commissioned a six part drama series, thematically inspired by the parallel universe rom-com Sliding Doors starring Gwyneth Paltrow.

Other headlines today-

-Woman Dyes Hair

- Local Group of Ladies End the Celebration That ‘They Knew Something Was Wrong’

-David Cameron Says His Best Feature is That ‘He Could Be Fatter, But He’s Not’

- Polish Migrants Not Taking Enough of Our Piece of Shit Jobs
-Bomb Kills 100s in Iran, or Something

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NB- The above may seem like a satirically exaggerated account of events- however 80% of it is sadly pretty accurate. Journalist with Neckerchief really is that much of a wanker, although no diagrams were drawn. While my partner was in hospital for two days, she witnessed this unfolding non-massacre with non-stop 24 hour news coverage. She was appalled. I'm appalled. My sincere condolences to the families of both Pete Barnes and Matthew Wood.