On Internet Cynicism and How to Spot a Troll

Lately on the internet there has been a lot of overuse of the word “troll” and I think it’s time we re-examine the definition.   

1. Internet Troll

A person whose sole purpose in life is to seek out people to argue with on the internet over extremely trivial issues. Such arguments can happen on blogs, Facebook, YouTube and a host of others.

Are you a troll? Select what best represents your personality:

1.  You read something on the internet you disagree with.  How do you respond?

A. You close the browser before wasting any more of your time, saying to yourself, “What. An. Asshole.”

B.  You explain in the comment section why you think the author is an idiot.

C.  You didn't actually read this far.  You just screamed “FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG” and muttered something unsavoury about Persians.  You also probably can’t spell “Persians.”

D.  You don’t have access to the internet because you’re a fictional creature

2.  You see a movie created by someone:

A.  You admire the work it took to create something even if you didn't personally love the end result.

B.  You spend 3 hours picking apart the plot, motives of the characters, and publicly point out all real or imagined plot-holes.

C.  You scream “LOOK OUT, BITCH!” as loud as you can throughout the entire movie.  Then you and your friends loudly high-five each other.  The movie is Schindler’s List.

D.  You aren't allowed to go to movies because you don’t own pants.

3.  You read a new book recommended by others but you don’t like it.

A.  You finish it and then keep it to remind yourself not to trust your stupid friends for book recommendations.

B.  You finish it and then give it a bad review online.

C.  You suspect someone is somehow trying to challenge you.  You organize a book burning.

D.  You don’t read but you appreciate the book burning because the nice glow helps you find the bridge you live under.

4.  Someone suggests eating people.

A.  You say nothing.  You leave and consider notifying the police.

B.  You say, “What the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard?” and then you leave and consider calling the police.

C.  You assume they’re hitting on you and go off on an anti-homosexual rant that ends with a threat to kill all the zebras at the zoo for some reason.

D.  You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

5.  You don’t like this blog:

A.  You never read this post because you don’t like this blog.

B.  You leave a comment explaining what you don’t like about this blog and then you go away.

C.  You leave baffling comments like “FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOG, FISHFACE” but you change your name so it seems like you’re more than one person.  You misspell almost every comment and you don’t understand IP addresses.  When I change your comment to “I wish I could be exactly like you in every way” you come back and say “WHAT?!  I NEVER SAID THAT, FISHFACE” and then I change that comment to “I wish I could wear your skin and be you” and then you get so mad you explode.  Then you leave so you can go leave racist comments on Youtube.

D.  You’re taking a nap because you just ate too many goats.

Lets see how you scored...

If you answered mostly D’s:

You’re a troll.  Luckily, you are also mythological and don’t have the internet so it’s hard for you to get too upset about this.  Most people find you under bridges, hungry and ready to snack on them.

If you answered mostly C’s:

You’re probably an asshole.  Or possibly you’re an angry teenager.  It’s occasionally hard to tell those apart.  Most people find you abrasive, obnoxious and vile, however you’re in luck because you can grow out of this phase, and even if you don’t there are lots of other assholes out there to share your time with you.

           If you answered mostly B’s:

You’re a normal human being.  You are also the most likely of all of these groups to find yourself being mislabeled as a “troll”.  Sorry about that.  Feel free to have you own strong opinions, even if they are occasionally quite wrong.

If you answered mostly A’s:

You’re a compassionate human being or a compulsive liar.  You may not actually exist.  You are kind and considerate and if I was having a birthday party I would invite you to it.

  Most people enjoy your company unless they are assholes or trolls.  Trolls just want to eat you.

The End.

Or is it?

Cynicism- my least favourite type of lie. On the one hand, cynicism is an important defence mechanism. It’s a type of filter. We all employ it, particularly when we lead these bizarre shadow lives on the snarky, snarky Internet, these lives that invariably mirror—but very seldom mimic—our real, waking lives, our everyday interactions with friends, family, co-workers. Lawyers. Funeral directors. Cousins. Therapists. The lady at the post office. If we didn’t find filters for our feelings, we would be overwhelmed by them. We would all be absolutely traumatized by our own weird brains.

On the other hand, cynicism is stupid, lazy, and boring. It’s a type of fear, and it’s an awful shortcut to take. It’s how we dismiss other people’s feelings, yes yes, but especially our own.

I don’t want to be that person ever. I want to always give the benefit of the doubt.

(Please note: “irreverence” is different. Irreverence is acknowledging a crisis’s horrible worth and then undermining it for sheer comedic value. Levity! Please, some levity!)

Cynicism—even the very façade, which is what it almost always is, anyway, a façade—is an incredibly dangerous trick to play on yourself. It is a cruel lie we do unto ourselves because the reality of all things is just too marvellous, too outstanding. That is the human condition—it’s this gigantic, crippling, paralyzing, existential thing—and we often combat it with cynicism.

Cynicism is a valuable filter. Cynicism, very literally, is a defence mechanism, the very act of refusing to put hope and love and faith and trust in things, or in people.

But people are so much more valuable. 

People aren't a crutch: they’re an ally, a sort of ability.You can embrace people, not cynicism, and enrich everything and anything you do. We are all linking arms on the lifeboats. That is all there is. Try to be an ‘A person’, but at least settle for being a ‘B person’.

Unless you post inspirational quotes on Facebook or Pinterest, I’ll personally locate you and  rip out your spine and use it as a mace.

Happy New Year!