A single, blood-curdling scream rings through the flat. I
follow the distressing sound into the lounge. What on earth is the matter? Has
Frank hurt himself? Has Sara burnt her omelette again? Are we out of tea bags?
With a trembling finger pointed at the TV, Sara stands stock still, mouth
agape. I watch the screen for a few
moments, but my brain struggles to keep up with the audio-visual nightmare playing
before me. I slowly realise the situation is much, much worse.
What the f*ck is this?
It’s Thomas the Tank
Engine, our poor dear Thomas, taken from behind, and being made completely
CGI.
With every vicious thrust his attacker systematically removes
every shred of Thomas’s decency and charm; stripping away his regional
Liverpudlian accent, his toy model railway chic, deliberate sense of pacing and
his down-to-earth storytelling. Sara and I remain speechless, witness to this
most heinous of crimes. After it’s over, Thomas limps off the TV gang-legged
and bloody; not to his signature theme tune, but to a flaccid sing a long track
intoned by an uninterested choir. He’s barely
recognisable amidst the cheap computer graphics. No wonder his new-found voice
is tediously high pitched after an ordeal like that.
The initial sensation of helpless ennui quickly escalates to
anger. Why would they do this?
“We did this” says the current producer of Thomas the Tank Engine “Because the
majority of children's television shows need to be computer generated to appeal
to youngsters brought up on computers and videogames. CGI is aspirational for
them.” So with a whiff of self-fulfilling prophecy, Thomas the Tank Engine joins Fireman
Sam, The Magic Roundabout, Noddy, Bob
the Builder and the rest in all
looking the bloody same. You can’t shift the blame onto pre-school sponges for
enjoying the very food you’ve force-fed them, it’s like a French pate
manufacturer berating geese for being gluttons.
 |
| Fireman Sam has been recast as a sort of ginger Gaston |
No longer shunted around by steam age methods of stop motion
animation, the makers describe the re-jigged format as “modern, pacy”- two
words that fit Thomas the Tank Engine
about as well as “hardcore, pornography” fit Blue Peter. Earlier series looked like a toy train set come alive, with
depth of field and practical effects. Narration and dialogue were performed by
a single narrator- whether it be Beatles legend Ringo Starr in the UK, or the comedic
genius of George Carlin in the US. This was the choice of Britt Allcroft, the
original producer (1984- 1998) who wanted the television stories to be an
extension of the way they would told at home. All the characters emotions would
come from the nuisances of the narrator’s comforting voice, in conjunction with
static, yet hugely expressive, character faces.
In a bid to reach these ‘videogame’ kids however, the reduced
role of the narrator is to give the odd stage direction, comment on the weather
and maybe offer a few cogent stock market predictions. In addition to Thomas and friends now having
their own (perfectly lip synced) voices, they’ve also patently had a personality
transplant. Earlier series was essentially about a bunch of misbehaving anthropomorphised
two year olds, forever bickering and bragging about who’s the best. They seemed
to run as much on hubris as they did coal, always competing to be the Fat
Controller’s bottom bitch (now rechristened Sir Topham Hatt, which is even more
of a pimp-worthy moniker). Sara perhaps
put it best; “The overall message was that in life, you’re going to meet
dickheads, you may even be a dickhead yourself occasionally, but as long as you
have your pride, a set of balls, and good friends- you’ll get through it”. This “modern, pacy” Thomas is a much lighter affair (literally, the only shade of
colour is fluorescent). The chirpy automatons rarely squabble, but do meander
through morality sprinkled fetch quests, and are ridiculed by their demagogue
masters if they show initiative or oppose change.
I’m keenly aware this comes across as a typical ‘they don’t
make them like they used to’ spiel your parents normally spout- which is
annoying because I’m not my parents, I resent sounding old, and I wasn’t even a
huge Thomas the Tank Engine kid to
begin with. If this is a spiel about anything, it’s an uncomfortable tendency
to plunder and repurpose classic children’s TV to chase an audience that simply
does not exist. Even that beloved, saggy cloth cat Bagpuss is being mooted for a CGI update.
Surely these changes must to be fuelled by financial, rather
than artistic, reasons?
“This is an economically driven market, so financial
considerations are more often the reason why more shows are transitioning to
computer animation” admits Thomas producer.
“Our CG is the best (our) money can buy”.
Look, I have no doubt the production team on these shows are
doing the best with what they’ve been mandated to do, to suggest simple laziness
would be churlish. Putting aside all the other bullshit tweaks mentioned above-
CGI, though on a TV budget often lacks presence and feels lightweight, is
simply cheaper to produce. And saving money ultimately tops everyone’s
agenda because, in the UK at least, there’s just not enough of it.
A loss in advertising revenue caused ITV to recently ditch their
entire child programming like post-war Nazis ditched their copies of Mein Kampf. The BBC ghettoised all of
theirs to a completely separate channel. Channel 4 currently resides in a
fallout bunker, twiddling its thumbs and waiting for the whole ‘kids’ thing to
blow over. Channel 5 just about manages to slot in an hour of re-runs amidst
all the bad films, live poker and soft-porn. Here’s a few troubling facts:
- Less than 1% of children’s television hours available in UK are original, first run, UK programming- the rest are repeats and imports.
- Currently CBBC’s actual output is 10% first run original UK, 88% repeats, and 2% imports.
- The UK does not apply any of the mechanisms other European and American countries have for protecting and promoting home grown media i.e. specific quotas that broadcasters must adhere to.
Kids absorb media with ridiculous ease, and can have a huge
impact on their cultural, social, and educational development- especially indigenous
media which relate to their own world, their own concerns and future. Other countries
appear to recognise this and act to protect and support the media they consume-
Why don’t we?
(Annoyingly, our 15 month old Frank doesn’t seem to mind CGI
Thomas)
******************************************************************************
Just quickly while we’re talking about facelifts of classic
shows- ever seen the 2011 re-launch of The
Looney Tunes Show? If not, don’t worry- it’s exactly how you
remember the brilliant Warner Bros. series being.
Remember how Bugs Bunny, Daffy, Porky Pig et al would always
appear every episode in different locations, even different time zones? Well,
the new show places the entire Looney
Tune cast in the present day suburbs of Los Angeles. They’re now staple
sitcom characters whose relationships and circumstances never, ever change.
Oh.
Remember that classic Bugs Bunny episode where he gets
accidentally blasted to Mars, lands on an abstractly drawn space station, and
tries to out-run a soft-spoken, dynamite-wielding midget despot? Yeah, the
opening minutes of the new show feature Bugs going to the mall with housemate
Daffy, and deliberating on whether to buy a flat screen TV or a stereo.
Oh,
Oh,
Remember when Daffy Duck and Porky Pig took on the roles of
Robin Hood and Friar Tuck respectively, and Porky just laughed all the time at
Daffy’s ineptness?
Yeah, now Porky spends the whole episode being tutored by Bugs about the dangers of ‘upselling’ at restaurants, car workshops and insurance banks.
Oh.
Remember those genius examples of slapstick humour with Wile.
E. Coyote and Roadrunner? Well it’s exactly the same, but now done with CGI,
and every time our loveable loser fails to get his hands on the tasty blue tease,
the words “EPIC FAIL” cover the screen.
At no point am I exaggerating.
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