Terrible Parenting Idioms and the Unsolicited But Inevitable Judgement of You

Becoming a parent subjects you to a whirlwind of new and strange emotions and can leave you feeling more vulnerable than you have ever been in your life.  It is at this exact moment that you will find yourself set upon by strangers intent on telling you exactly how terrible you are as a parent.

Here’s some kernels of wisdom from that most reliable of sources, the Internet.

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. Which means you just took a lifelong job with no chance of promotion or advancement. Worst. Job. Ever

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The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants. Or maybe you should clean your room when God tells you to.

If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. Because raising an eavesdropper is always the way to go.

What a child doesn't receive, he can seldom later give. Like affection. Or gonorrhoea.

Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you. Because apparently the best thing you can teach your child is how narcissistic you are.

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today. Or yesterday. Or really, anytime in the future. This is how memories work.

Kids spell love T-I-M-E. And that’s why you need to have them tested for learning disorders.

Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities. Or you could just switch on the lights. Most kids enjoy electricity.

The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day. Because who the hell needs to go to university?

Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry. Because that’s the best thing you can bequeath to your child. A big, holey bucket.

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence. Or maybe life insurance. Life insurance can be very handy for bequeathment. Also, why are so many of these about death? It’s sort of morbid.

A happy family is but an earlier heaven. Which means that having children equates to an early death. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

A baby is born with a need to be loved -- and never outgrows it. Unlike their shoes, which they seem to outgrow every two hours. If we could make shoes out of the same stuff that “a need to be loved” is made out of, we’d be millionaires.

I don't think children's inner feelings have changed. They still want a mother and father in the very same house; they want places to play. They also want ponies that poop cupcakes and eat homework. So maybe children shouldn't be trusted so terribly much.

As long as you are a parent you will be judged and will be given unwanted advice. There will always be someone there to criticize you, but the good thing is that there is also someone there to criticize them. It’s a vicious cycle of blame and guilt and the best way to remove yourself from it is to realize that whatever decision you make for your family is the right one for you.

The circle of shame as overheard at park (probably):

“I can’t believe that you drank coke during pregnancy. I only drank warm milk. Your baby will probably have ADD.”

“You drank shop-bought milk? That’s loaded with antibiotics and steroids. Your baby is like a tiny Incredible Hulk.  I only drank milk from my own personal cow.”

“You drank raw milk during a mad-cow epidemic. How terribly irresponsible. I drank only purified bottled water from artesian wells.”

“Bottled water? Fabulous. So you’re the reason why my child will inherit a world filled with overflowing trash dumps. Way to shit on Mother Nature, asshole.  I drank tap water from one, reusable cup. I even brought it with me to the hospital during labour.”

“You had your baby in a hospital? How cold and meaningless for you. I had my baby at home and my other children helped with the birth and then my husband cooked the placenta for us to eat.”

“So you forced your family to become cannibals. How wonderful for them. We planted our placenta with a sapling in the park to celebrate life.”

“You disposed of medical waste in the park. OUR PARK? Are you fucking kidding me? My kid is playing under a placenta tree? You don’t keep the placenta. You throw it away.”

“You threw away your placenta?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE OVERFLOWING LANDFILLS? Why aren’t you composting? It’s like you’re TRYING to destroy the earth.”

“Well, maybe I am. Maybe me and 'my hulk baby' are trying to destroy the world using only store-bought milk and my placenta.”

“Oh my God, you are totally over-reacting. I blame all that store-bought milk in your system.”

“YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY.”

“Oh, is that a TV reference? We don’t own a TV. It’s not good for children.”

“Children? With current overpopulation issues you still decided to have children? We have limited resources and your decision is just plain selfish. I’m keeping my IUD, thankyouverymuch.

“YOUR MORNING AFTER PILL IS MAKING THE BABY JESUS CRY.”

“YOUR ANTIQUATED RELIGIOUS VIEWS ARE TEACHING MY CHILDREN INTOLERANCE.”

“YOUR CANNIBAL BABY JUST BIT MY BABY BECAUSE YOU TAUGHT IT TO HAVE A TASTE FOR HUMAN BLOOD.”

“DON’T BITE THE HULK BABY.  IT’S FULL OF STEROIDS AND RAGE.”

All of which is a great shame. Because I am a great parent. Not perfect. Not flawless. Not faultless. But great. And unless your children are currently locked in the bathroom while you go on a two-day bender I suspect you are too.